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Friday, May 12, 2006

Fighting to always move forward

But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtlety, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.

I don't write clever things on this blog. I'm not capable of travelling down these rocky roads of intellectual deduction. I never come to life's huge impasses in reality and irony. If I do, they're not things I can put into words to formulate in pretty little sentences. Not that anyone would care.
I don't think as much as I used to. Well, I think, but here's the thing:

Once upon a time I used to be disgustingly proud and into myself. (Once upon a time, Flo?) (Elaina, stop editing my posts.) (Heehee. Just needed to get that in there.) (No problem. Point taken. I know I'm still in need of the Lord. I don't intend to turn from the light anytime soon.) (Good to hear, Flo.)
I don't know exactly what it was that I used to do, all I really remember are the things people told me. I surrounded myself with friends that laughed at me. I realized that so many people were afraid to come and talk to me. I made myself an item by making cleverly deprecating comments toward people I didn't know, that didn't know me, and had no way of knowing whether I was joking or not. I liked being contrary. I liked pointing out circular reasoning, even just the habitual stuff.
People used to tell me I was smart. One of my best friends still holds onto the alibi that he didn't talk to me when he first met me because he was intimidated. I talked a lot, but never directly to anyone except the people I knew, or unless I was talked to. I know there were a lot of other things.
They tried: The friends that laughed at me didn't say anything. Maybe they didn't care enough about other people either as long as they were having fun. Or maybe we were all too young. But I had some friends tell me my blog was disgusting to read, for the reason that I naturally wrote like a word pervert. I'll admit, I did. Thank God I don't have those files to go back to. (Thanks Dan for completely and totally wiping our blog that once. You're a real winner.) I had some friends that really stuck it to me.
They succeeded: I heard that my best friend had said I was the proudest person she knew. Ouch. Deserved. Another one of my friends told very honestly that after having seen me for the first time in several years, she was surprised at how self-absorbed I was. How busy I was with myself, with my friends, with my plans. Ouch. On the rocks.

Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord. For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? There is more hope of a fool than of him. They wisdom and thy knowledge, it hath perverted thee; and thou hast said in thine heart, I am, and none else beside me.

I'm sort of an extremist. I like to think that when I realize a problem I can change my life within five minutes and balance myself out by going to the opposite extreme. This has caused me a lot of problems in the past, via discouragement and impatience at the fact that I never was quite where I wanted to be all at once, and via the problems that result after a little while of doing the opposite extreme for too long.
When I realized my pride problem I tried to nip it in the bud. But this is something that is impossible to lose all at once. I would do the humble thing but explain to everyone why I did it. I would be nice to people I didn't know but in a condescening, charitable way. I would take the chances I had to do the things that LOOKED humble when I knew that people would VIEW me that way and think "GBH, she's so humble!"
(Really really disgusting.)
It took a while to break this.
They tried: The Lord tried to get through to me so many times on so many different levels. I was very self-absorbed. One of my friends whacked it to me once in the middle of a camp and told me that I needed to get off of my throne and talk with other people--make friends with small people--be a nobody for Jesus. I was so mad at him because he mixed the message in with a bunch of stuff that he'd misunderstood about why I was the way I was. I almost entirely ignored everything he said.
They succeeded: Sitting on the bridge with a fellow who was so nice and harmless. He, not intending to correct me or anything, mentioned that he felt stupid around me because I was so (what he called) "smart". He couldn't find the word he was looking for, so I threw out "intimidated". He looked a little hesitant to say yes.
I sent an e-mail to one of my friends (A CGO board member) after a certain Music Seminar, with a personal testimony. It was written with the knowledge that it might be published...on a website for the regional CGO, maybe, or in a newsletter. Instead, it went to the Grapevine. I guess the Lord knew that everyone needed to take a lesson from me.

For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is emnity against God, for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can it be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are in vain. And if any man think he knoweth anything, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know. But if any man love God, the same is known of him.

This is going to be a very short list. But I hope to continue it infinitely. Wait, I can't hope for anything. I pray, and then I do a little bit of rolling-away-the-stone.
I got desperate with the Lord about my pride. It was totally nulling my work for the Lord. My pride was making everything crumble, my witnessing, my sample, my love. How could I be used of the Lord if I was not giving my all in those areas? What was I? Just another half-hearted person.
I realized that if I wanted to go all the way, I had to be humble. So many people ask themselves this--so many teens that don't know where they're headed and don't know how to start getting on board. The door is humility. I got a PNP when I was 11 about the things the Lord had in store for me, the gifts and talents he wanted to give me, the fulfillment he wanted to share with me. We walked through the door of humility. I only just remember that now. My God, such blatant truths.
I'm not entirely humble yet. Wait hold on, I'm not even humble at all yet. I'm still proud, I have my relapses, I'm a recovering Pan addict. I fall back so often. But I pray that, as I keep fighting, these falls will be fewer and fewer. I know I'll never reach a utopia with no pride or no problems at all; the Lord said pride is like a cancer that is always there and will never go away--all you can do is combat it, fight it, and suppress it. If you leave it untended for too long it'll get big again and smack you between the eyes.
Thank You, Jesus.
Pray for me.

But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtlety, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.
For everyone that exhalteth himself shall be abased, and he that humbleth himself shall be exhalted.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despite.
Though the Lord be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly, but the proud he knoweth afar off.
Let nothing be done through strife and vain glory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.


Can you see me?
Nothing left to lose except my pride,
Nothing left to want out of this life.
Nothing left to hide
No more lies to satisfy my mind
Unworthy now to be called your bride

Hate this now, don't know how
To realign my priorities
I need you here, it's so unclear
The way to make it back to the beginning--help me please

Teach me how to love
Teach me how to give
Hold me back when pride would choke the life I have to live
Make me come alive
Please make my calling true
And make me then to die to everything but you.

So far down and out
So much closer to the broken man
That Jesus needs to fulfil his perfect plan
When you feel confused
Is just the time when you can then be used
Ever closer to the answer man

Hold the word, read and heard
Time to realize it can be lived
Burning sacrifice, in his eyes
A spirit that is broken and contrite God will not despise

Teach me how to love
Teach me how to give
Hold me back when pride would choke the life I have to live
Make me come alive
Please make my calling true
And make me then to die to everything but you.


Blogger Das None said...

Good, but long...
Dav. 1:14b Blessed are the brief.

5/12/2006 10:50 PM  
Blogger lils said...

umm if you wanted the password to work it doesnt...

5/12/2006 11:19 PM  
Blogger Elaina said...

That one verse about losing the simplicity and truth that IS Jesus has always stabbed me smack between the eyes.
I guess our pride will always be trying to make distance between us and that clarity of what He wants for us and from us, of His Essence, of what and how and why.
Love love love.
It's so very simple. Not easy, but simple. And simple is always so very much more beautiful than complexities.
And those are all the profundities I can muster the strength for now.

NOW I have to ask how it is that I've become dead enough to you for you to receive prophetic messages from me ("my" interjections in your post) Is it that Little Green Men Uni-mind thing? Telepathy? I gotta learn how to block my mind like they do in Armageddon's Wake.

Much Smoochy Love,

-Elaina (who for once DIDN'T hack into your account)

5/13/2006 12:36 AM  
Blogger Elaina said...

By the by, I think you tried to link to a pic on the MO site. It keeps asking for a password. Very annoying.

5/13/2006 12:39 AM  
Blogger Florence said...

i know about the mo site picture. i was just too tired after having written the huge post that i didn't want to go back and fix it. ahhh hahaha. i suck.
sorry lils.
i guess i'll fix it.

5/13/2006 10:30 AM  
Blogger Florence said...

oh, and Elaina, i took some creative liberties with your comments.
you can thank me for saving you the trouble.

5/13/2006 10:32 AM  
Blogger Raven said...

Bro, that was my motto long before it entered your aquarian mind...

5/17/2006 5:33 AM  
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