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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

It's those durned things

I got it.
It's too many messages.
I've written one too many politically correct messages with a "GBY! I hope and pray that you and your home are having an inspiring time preparing for the witnessing offensive!" opening paragraph. It's the place that creativity goes to die.
I wish I could write an all-homes message in free verse. Or like...rap. Or like, a Shakespearean sonnet. Something.
I'm totally at peace while I'm writing them, though. Like, there's nothing that comes more naturally. Sometimes I get a little too poetic and put in a sentence like "Obviously the idea of following this little white rabbit does not thrill us through and through," and have to change it to "It doesn't seem like a very good idea to us." Or like "Clearly, this man is suffering from a wicked blow to the genitals, or the head (don't touch the joke, it hasn't washed in days)" to "There must have been a misunderstanding somewhere." I actually managed to sneak by with a "It's almost as if we're looking for a spoon that we all know doesn't exist" in a message the other day.
But in general it's great.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

absolutely zero

Even though this is absolutely trivial information, I feel no guilt or shame in posting it on my absolutely trivial blog.
So the other day someone sent me a link to a youtube video of John Mayer talking about something or other on stage, and one of my dear home members is looking over my shoulder and says "He kinda talks like you."
Being the hardcore John Mayer fan that I am, I snigger at his beautiful compliment and modestly sing the praises of the splendid Systemite. But after another video, my dear home member shakes his head and says "Yeah. He's totally like you. No wonder why you like him. Libras have this weird magnetic beamer that searches out like minds to make babies with."
So just to redeem John Mayer from this filthy insult, I run an internet search on him, and in the process totally and completely lose this argument by coming across this little bit of information.
John Mayer is a Libra!!!
Okay, okay, so...
We rented the Holiday last night, Mom, Dad, Mach and I. It's that somewhat predictable but sweet love story with Jude Law, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black and Kate Winslet.
There are these scenes where Kate Winslet goes to her new house and starts freaking out and jumping around in happiness all by herself running around exploring everything. And it struck me that that's exactly the sort of thing I always shamelessly do. Mach even comments like "Oh my God, she acts like you, Florence."
Having learned from my mistakes, I run a little internet search before defending myself, and lo and behold--Kate Winslet is also a Libra.
So weird. It's like the time when I was a major 13 year old Avril Lavigne fan (I think the average age of most of her fans) and found out that I had the same birthday as her.
I guess this also explains the reason why I've always wanted to make babies with Simon Cowell. And Sting. And Eminem. And Clive Owen. And Matt Damon. I even found a portion of a long and boring explanation about sun signs that talked about how Libras actually are really attracted to people that they understand. Apparently, Libras, more than other signs, cannot like or even get along very well with people that they don't understand. They can't agree to disagree. They love people they identify with. Weird.
I guess this is that time for me to get up and pace as I remorse the time I wrote a blog post that made me sound like I cared about this sort of thing.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Eat your heart out

It thrills me to no end to to let my somewhere-out-there friends know about this.
And that's all I have to say about that.

Oh, and among all the good stuff, there is one live recordings of me that I probably shouldn't advertise but really really really have a morbid desire to.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Whistling man

Yesterday a guy came up to me on the street and stood by for a couple minutes as I was witnessing to a few girls. When I was done, he walked up to me. I smiled at him and said hello, and he silently starts uncrumpling this piece of paper that he's holding in his fist. He lifts up this crinkled paper to my face and it says in baaaad hiragana
"Kuchibue" (whistling)
I looked at it and read it out loud and looked at him and then looked at it again and there was a sort of awkward silence. Not awkward for him maybe. And then he says,
"Yatte" (do it)
Like. WHOA. One of my biggest fantasies come to life in central Makuhari!
I laughed a demure and sophisticated laugh and said "Ahhh I can't!"
Which is true!!!
Anyway. He stared at me real disappointed and skeptical like for a few seconds, and then he slinked off.
It was a mystifying experience.

Friday, August 24, 2007

that ronald

I'm really starting to like Ronald Reagan. He has so many clever sound bytes, like the above. If only our current president were as intelligent. That's the only thing I've ever really cared about Bush, is that he's not funny. He doesn't have little bursts of relaxed humor. Everything he says sounds rehearsed and dead, like roadkill, or a dead lizard that's dried in the sun. Ronald Reagan, man. Word.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.
The other day, someone told me the difference between a democracy and a people's democracy. It's the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.
How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
Facts are stupid things -- stubborn things, I should say.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance?
I'm not smart enough to lie.
The entire income tax system was created by Karl Marx.
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
A government that is big enough to give you everything you want is also big enough to take everything you have.
And no, I don't have an answer to the question about why I was compelled to draw a pig on my computer with my little laptop mouse pad that drives me insane. It's like pleasuring an electronic device.

Thursday, August 23, 2007


My vagrant kind of art.

Monday, August 20, 2007

A Birthday Shout to my sugar

Today is Aika's happy happy birthday.
I never thought I'd write an icky blog post about Aika. It's like taking a beautiful thing and stepping all over it and smashing it into the pavement. And then picking it up and giving it a little shake and then hanging it on a laundry line. Basically sort of a sick waste of time.
But it must be done at least once in my life. So here goes the one and only Aika birthday post ever. May it suffice for many birthdays to come.

Yesterday I went to sleep thinking about you, knowing your birthday was today. I woke up and after Word time I thought "Would it be too early to call Aika now? Yeah, they're probably still having word time...or sleeping because the little squishy woke them up in the night." And so I chickened out. All day as I was doing super exciting layout work at my desk I was thinking about making some fantastic card for you with naked men all over it. But then I realized you're married, and the naked man would have to be Jesse. I didn't want to tinker with that thought for too long...so I started thinking about you...and how nice you are...and how much I miss you...
And how things are going to be so different now that you've got a kid! I mean, my God! I'm going to see the you that was always hidden away waiting to explode out into the real world, the big mama tycoon that holds her baby in one arm and hangs the laundry with the other and soothes her whining husband with the other. Actually, I guess since you don't have three arms you can just give Jesse your foot.
I hate to say "Jesse is a lucky man" cause God knows how many times your friends have said that about him, and probably his friends all say "Aika is a lucky woman". So I won't say it. You are both lucky, and I am lucky to know you both. I'm lucky to have had a best friend like you for a good decade. You never let me down. You keep getting better and better. Like Forrest Gump.
I don't want to wish anymore excitement or surprises on you, because I know it's sort of inevitable. So may this next year be filled with enough peace and quiet to get you through the next twelve babies.

Ew, so much love in these picture!
I love you, sweetness.

Saturday, August 18, 2007


It's funny how creative energies totally stop flowing when you most need them. I don't think that's coincidence, though. I think it has something to do with actual mental wiring. I think creativity flows best in an idle mind, and that's why most artistic stuff is quite idle. Like it comes when you're largely left alone to your thoughts, or when your thoughts are a larger part of your life than actual actions. Cause actions and actual physical productivity don't inspire that corner of your brain that churns out the dramatica and the emotica. Real life is mostly mundane and regulated, when you're getting down to brass tacks.
I think it was Ronald Reagan who said something about no man having ever accomplished anything great who only did what he felt like doing. Maybe it's just another one of those little annoying ironies of life that nags us to just gird up our loins and jump into the sewer, etc.
I think it was also Ronald Reagan who said "You can tell a lot about fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans." I swear. Look it up.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Ones that made me laugh

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

n an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.