Ones that made me laugh

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.