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Saturday, January 06, 2007

What Were You Doing Under the Desk During Biology Class?

This is THE "lizard story" I was telling you about, Al.

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
“something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can
you help?”; I put my best lizard healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t
want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re
about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma.”
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically. “Oh,
very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. “So, that wasn’t a foot?” I asked.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. “It’s
just . . . that . . . I’m picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . .
teeny little …”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay. “I know Ernie’s really
thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAR HAR! May I be the first to comment on this ridiculous story & say it sounds like something that you would write Elaina. I was sure that the Lizard was constipated or something. hee hee! Very funny!

1/06/2007 10:27 PM  
Blogger Florence said...

oh good. that was a good deed you did, el, posting that. i approve. thanks a million.

1/07/2007 12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


1/07/2007 10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wahhaa that's very funny!!!!!!

1/07/2007 10:54 PM  
Anonymous Nina said...

That was hillarious! I kept bursting out laughing while reading this, & consequently ended up reading it to everyone else in the diningrm at 1:30 a.m. on rest nite (OK, so granted there weren't that many ppl in the diningrm at that hour, but still)!

1/08/2007 1:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahahhahahahhahahahahhahaha!! sooo good!!

1/10/2007 8:55 PM  
Blogger Neo said...

Um.....well, it seems that this story has been floating aroubd the web. Its not really funny, though. Oh, and hoever wrote it was under the desk during biology class. Only humans & dolphins have sex for pleasure. Lizards certainly don't!

1/13/2007 3:47 PM  
Blogger Poochies said...

Dude!! THAT was FUNNY!!! I love the way he refers to his wife...

1/14/2007 6:04 AM  
Anonymous yoko said...

it was on my blog before it was on yours!!!
Heh, heh.

1/14/2007 11:00 AM  
Blogger Mythos said...

oh gosh thats hilarious, I love it!

1/20/2007 12:22 PM  
Blogger Neo said...

Yoko is so right!!

1/20/2007 4:20 PM  
Blogger Elaina said...

Just so y'know:
I never claimed to have written this delicious little raisin of fiction, nor have I claimed to be the discoverer of it.
I'm not clever enough to dredge the internet for dark jewels of wisdom. I just skim the yummy scum that floats to the top, if you know what I'm saying.
Hey, if you can't attain literary genius status...be a humble town crier of the things that tickle you.
Shrug shrug.

1/21/2007 1:54 PM  

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