Me and me

I'm constantly contradicting myself.
I have inferiority complexes, but I'm overconfident.
I'm lazy and determined, disorganized and perfectionist.
I'm "charming" and "demure"; talkative and overbearing.
I think too much...and then I'm rash and spontaneous.
I wonder if that means I cancel myself out...?
Maybe I'm just...nothing?

I think I'm sixteen now.
Something about...the way I feel.

It could just be me.

Quickies

I know I haven't updated in a while. I've been in Shiojiri visiting my good pals Tomo and Nao. Jonie was a side perk, because I only got to see him a few times.
But anyway, I've been busy, and updating the blog isn't exactly on my list of ultimate priorities. But here, I'll tell you something funny.
I had an early birthday party last night. We went out for get out that afternoon, played soccer and I totally rocked doing absolutely nothing. In fact, I think I let Tomo get a goal on our team, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it. That afternoon, Tomo and I wrote a song together. Really corny love song to Jesus...it was cool, but in a corny way.
So they came over that night for "Word Night"...and we all signed Charter Membership Contracts and Provisional Charter Member Contracts. There were like 10 of us all together signing these papers. Jonie and I were being goofs...as usual.
And then Marvy and Mandy come in and announce that we're having a party in honor of someone. I totally clued out, I was like...Grandpa? Mama? Peter? And they suddenly say my name and I was like...yo...why?
I realized it is my birthday in a week, so I got all scared, because the night before we'd just had David's birthday party and we made him do twister with his kids while we all watched...among other things. So I screamed.
Basically, I had to spend a lot of the evening blindfolded, I was blindfolded Dulcinea tapping the floor with a stick while my blindfolded Don Quixote tried to find me...Jonie didn't do such a good job. And then the boys all lined up and took turns serenading me for the grand prize of a kiss and the loser boo of a kick in the pants. Jonie totally got the kick in the pants that he deserved.
"I'm in love with more than just my smile...I love the way I walk and talk..."
Haha, but it was rich.
Anyway, that was all very frantic typing, but I HAVE NO TIME! I love you.

What's up

It's been a long time since I blogged about my day.
Today I went with Yosh to go witnessing in Shizuoka. We met JR and Aika, who I haven't seen in a couple months, hooray. They came down from Hamamatsu to witness with us.
We had lunch together. I tried to be modest and turn down JR's offers to buy me lunch, but try as I might, I realized my modest attempt was soon becoming a heated "I SAID NO!" so I succumbed to the well-known "if you insist" and allowed him to select a Subway sandwich for me. I'd never been there, and my libra eyes taking one look at the menu implored him to order for me...so he did. Aika's there like "NO WAY! THAT'S GROSS!" and JR finally got her to shut up. For some reason I had a feeling my taste was more along the lines of JR than Aika. I was right. Aika orders for Yosh, we swap bites and Yosh's was rather disgusto. Mine was delicious.
So that was my first Subway experience.
We talked and talked, realized the time and felt guilty, then we split up and decided to hit our respective spots. We only witnessed for about 45 minutes all together--it's alright cause it was a weekday anyway. They had been witnessing for several hours before we even showed up.
But all in all it was fun. Yosh and I don't usually witness on weekdays, so it was new and interesting. There were no young people there, only a few old folks, but it was awesome cause they all helped with big donations, and were super sweet. Oh TTL.
And then we meet up again and take the long walk back to the train station, and decide to take purikuras. The one place we went to said boys were not allowed (huh?) and so JR pretended to be offended, and we went into the other place where JR used his traumatizing experience to glean compassion from the older woman standing behind the counter. For no reason...I don't know, I guess he just wanted a shoulder to cry on.
Anyway, we take these retarded puris, and Yosh and Aika are putting all the crap on them while me and JR are sitting off to the side discussing stuff. I felt like two husbands discussing sports while their wives are shopping together. Weird.
So yeah, I had a great time. Yosh bought me an icecream on the way home. I don't know why, it's dangerous to offer to buy me stuff.
Yeah, then we get home and stuff. I was playing the guitar for the past hour or so until the phone rang with Aika and JR wanting to...I don't know...jabber on about nothing. And then I gravitated to this holy place.
But now I'm done.

Crash

It shoots straight to the top of my "best movies of all time" list. Or somewhere around there. I've never been able to pick favorites.
Crash, the provocative, beautiful, unexpected, inspirationally charactarized, intense, and damnedly realistic. I cannot give enough credit to it. It is insane.

And the themes were all my kind. Very well portrayed. The dialogue was succulent.

I can never say very profound things in recognition of very profound things; I find myself floundering in my stinky attempt at giving something its lyrical due. Unfortunately, although this movie inspired much introspective thought, and definitely is worth an ode or two, there is nothing sufficiently poetic that comes to mind--not now anyway.
And since I've got a memory shot full of holes, I cannot give you a sneaker of any wonderful portion of script. Perhaps it's all well because I wouldn't be able to pick a favorite line anyway.

But yes. That's all. Thank you.

Japanese

I really want to learn how to speak Japanese. Like...fluently. So I can have unobstructed conversation on any aspect of life without hemming and hawing or overstepping a certain pivotal issue just because I know I won't be able to explain myself properly.
See...I really love witnessing. I know it has something to do with the fact that I love people in general. I just love conversation, I love talking about things that other people don't seem to be able to approach. I love coming across as a person with many thoughts and ideas.
So I went to this OC camp where Al and her cronies decided to make us all speak in Japanese. And I realized how dreadful my Japanese is. I can cover certain topics of conversation fluently and with the ease of a stork, but others I just stop at.
Take for instance the kind of conversation that you usually do in English. Explaining a game, for instance. Or telling the kids what we're going to do after our current project is finished. Giving instructions as to how to make the beds properly. Damn!
My new Japanese word at the camp was : Gakkari (literally, discouraged)

So yesterday I got out all my ancient Japanese-learning books and started attacking.

It was slightly encouraging, getting a medal from my fellow staff members at the camp that proclaimed me "Friendly with my Japanese" or something to that extent (although initially I did think I had other, more outstanding strengths). Of course, Gene, Mike and Yasu were quick to point out that they noted friendliness in JAPANESE, not ENGLISH. Yeah whatever, punks. Anyway, I think it was because I had gotten some women saved in the communal shower (don't you love the irony of it).

But basically...it's hard to perfect Japanese unless you speak it every single day. Unless you use it more than you use English. So I'm doomed.

Wishes

Sometimes I wish everything would add up.
I hate the fact that so much about the world doesn't add up.
You know something isn't the truth--something isn't right, but you don't know where to look.
I wish people didn't have such a hard time giving.
I wish every problem was as easily solved as math.
I don't understand why people tell lies without realizing it. Is it so hard to wonder now and then what your real answer is? What is your ulterior motive? What are your subconcious reasons?
Is there any reason why things can't be as simple as they seem?
Why do we have to feel so alone in our thoughts?
Is there such thing as thinking too much? All that matters is where your thoughts are headed.

It's strange how, no matter how complicated one's thoughts are, they always lead to a thirst for simplicity.

And that simplicity is a long ways away. A long way to walk alone.

Yikes, calm down, Elaina.

So I'm sitting here wondering why our site doesn't reload with the new template, when Elaina comes in with this sturdy idea.
She tells me that last time she posted something it didn't come up until she posted twice. She looks very adamant about this, her eyes are very wide, and I feel as though I may suffer if I don't listen to her. But she looks insane.
So I'm trying it. But it's beyond me as to why it would work.

Did you notice the hair?

I don't know why I have to say this, but the blog's look is a bit different.
Isn't it customary to make...like...announcements, like that?
Elaina and I realized that we got off on a foot. And we wanted to get rid of that foot and maybe give ourselves more of a creative feel. Put our best creative foot forward, so to speak.
It doesn't matter what we look like as long as we're breaking out of the old and into the new.
So it's a personal revolution.
Ya-ho.

Pearls before swine...

Is totally my kind of genius.
Read and wonder.

No-go zones

Just recently in my life I came to realize that there is the potential of me having a significant other. Not a real true whatever one, just someone who I love and who loves me back, who happens to be male (who said oversimplifying wasn't fun?)
And then I realized that, like the rest of the people in my life, he probably wouldn't want me to mention so much about him on my blog.
It wouldn't be so hard to leave him out of my postings, because I practice discretion in not posting so much that is too private about my life, and yet...I guess at times it would be. Because he'd be part of my life. It'd be like a no-go zone.
And I don't like no-go zones.
Seeing as I am a rather whimmy person, I blog about whatever comes. People are constantly asking me "why didn't you blog about this?" (substitute this for that as you feel led). The answer is, I don't feel like it. I blog whatever comes. Please believe me.
Basically, there will be times, I know, when I will feel like blogging about the him. What to do, what to do. I don't like being censored.

I don't blog about people, generally. There are people that are very special to me, but I don't mention them. I guess at times I don't feel like crudifying their existance by writing them out on my blog. They're worth more than that. So I don't mention them at all. Like bringing electricity into the past.
But people are so much of my life. They're the better part and the worse part. I'm so not an island.
So I guess I already have no-go zones.

Ha ha...I'm so not ready for an SO. Whatever that means. Ha ha ha.

Vile Place of Prejudice

This blog is naughty. It's boycotting my posts.
Maybe this one will show up just to prove me wrong.

If life hands you lint....

...make yourself a pillow.

There is a certain "fuzziness" that seems to be a recurring character in Flo's recent posts, which, coincidentally, I've been thinking a lot about lately.
See, I've been trying to learn to treasure the little everyday fuzzies too...I really think that they're nearly as important to notice and remember as the glaring blessings.
God is good to us every mundane day in a million ways, whether or not we choose to open our eyes wide enough to see it.

Shucks

I slept a great deal today. I've never actually had that "I'm so tired I could drop" feeling until just this year. I feel old. Old at 16.
Well, almost.
I had quite a bit of confusion regarding my age, recently. People who know me think I'm definitely 16 by now--people who don't think I must be 18 or 20. Regardless of this mixup, I am still only 15 and there is no reason for me to care.
It really is rather remarkable how much the Lord has seen fit to bless me with. I've got so many wonderful ministries, so much that people trust me with--at 15. I do see myself as one of the most blessed 15-year-olds I know.
And it isn't all exhiliratingly fun either. You know how you get stuck between wishing something didn't happen because it didn't have such fun results, but still thankful it happened because it taught you stuff? Deepened you, maybe?
And then you get that strange, euphoric grin, lean back into that fuzzy/warm feeling, and think about it for a few seconds. Just because.

My 15th year has been blessed. I wish I could stay 15 forever.
I'm going to juice my last 2 and a half weeks for all they're worth.

peekaboo

I have just returned from a camp wherein I shepherded gaggles of godly OCs.
It was glorious.
And I have no strength to write about it, and I doubt that I will.
But yo, it was good.
And I feel nice and fuzzy.

I'm back though. Yeah, that's about it.

Too much

I would notice you in even the thickest of crowds. The darkest of nights couldn't hide the light that shines from you.

--The wise words of my best friend.
Damn, these poets, man!

Priorities

It's been a rather healthy feeling, neglecting one's blog.
I'm serious. I used to really wonder whether I had a dysfunctional personality because I so enjoyed updating my blog. I used to wonder whether it was a dreaded addiction, or something equally frightening.
But no. No...it's a matter of priorities.
So now that there are better things for me to do with all of my time...I have no problem neglecting my blog. In fact, it's almost become a thing of glorious fun.

Now I think that is strange.

Vacation is over tomorrow, and after that I will have plenty of work. I will be leaving for a certain OC camp on the 5th, and they have been known to last 5 days. Don't expect much from me until my return.

PS: I hate vaccuuming.