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Friday, February 10, 2006

I'm Sorry

I think I've only just begun to realize these past few days how badly in need of Jesus' forgiveness I am. The weight of everything bad and yucky that I've done in my short, short life, is already way too much for me to come to grips with. I can't--I struggle with the fear that everyone will know how much of a failure I am; how proud I am; how terrible I am.
This is hard to write.
THANK GOD for my sins. Really. Without these sleepless nights and these terrible fears of failure, I would never need Jesus in the measure that I do now. I know I need him every day...every minute. I want him, and every second I spend away from the Word and away from Him I can literally feel the life draining out of me, the fears creeping back in. I've gotten to the point where I truly run to his arms. I run.
Jesus told me the night before our feast started, that because I had tried to do better, he wanted to forgive me for everything I had done, but that I was holding back and continuing to disobey in small areas, preventing him from wrapping his arms around me and letting me feel his full forgiveness. I finally gave in, and what a wonderful feeling it was. I told Jesus out loud that I didn't know how I could ever have the courage or faith to live for him with the nagging memory of all my sins behind me. And he told me:
"The memory of your sins will only serve to pull us closer together, as you realize how frail you are on your own, and how in need of Me you are. The memory of your sins is my gift to you."

And I felt like I could hold onto him forever.

1. I've been proud. Very proud. Maybe I haven't shown it, but I have been. I've been proud about so many things...and I realize now that my pride reduced me to nothing, because I haven't been using the talents I've been given because of my pride. To anyone that's felt, seen, or otherwise experienced an effect of my pride...please forgive me.
2. I've been selfish. Self-absorbed and self-centered. I haven't given you the love you need, the love you deserve. I hurt you many times--I ignored you--I didn't help you-- I'm sorry.
3. I've been a liar. I don't think I've hurt you, but I've used you. May God grant me the grace to admit and apologize. I hope you can forgive me.
4. I've been self-righteous. I've tried to make you better--I tried to fix you and I tried to make you feel like you weren't the disciple you should be. I've been legalistic and tried to pull the standard of the Word on my own. But you are beautiful...and I need you.

AND I SLEEP DURING WORD TIME!!! (I just thought you should know that.) Not all the time...but sometimes!

Lord help me. And you...please help me too.

And everyone read and laugh at the testimony accreditted to me in the Grapevine. It makes me sound terribly proud and horribly deluded, but GOD KNOWS IT'S TRUE. I deserve it...I need it.

Elaina, your toast would've made me cry. If only we weren't sitting in a roomful of people. Thank you for your forgiveness. You've known me through the most twisted portion of my life...but somehow I've always felt that you understood me. You're God's best gift to me right now. I don't know what I'd do without you.


Anonymous Z said...

I'm sure we all forgive you... it's not like you're the only one. :D

2/11/2006 12:34 AM  
Anonymous Amaranthine said...

oh shush flo, ur making me cry. pls, everybody knows ur wonderful....

well, at least ppl that don't know u.

hehe jk.

sorry, couldn't help it. lv u girl.


2/11/2006 10:02 AM  
Blogger Alyx said...

Florence! You ARE wonderful. Ganbatte ne. I love you.

2/11/2006 1:11 PM  
Blogger Elaina said...

This WAS the right first place for me to come after my no-internet week.
And gosh, but I love you, Florence. Really and truly.
I wanted to toast to you with something eloquent and beautiful... what with the fever and all, I didn't get to writing anything down. But I sure did mean every disjointed word of it.
BTW, if you wanna know twisted, you should've lived with me when I was 15-16. No you shouldn't have.
It's all a part of the tapestry.

2/12/2006 11:38 PM  

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