something I wrote on the seawall

Sitting out here
On the seawall
With a pink pencil.
Pencil crayon.
Color pencil.
Whatever.

Still wearing my apron. Didn't notice until now. Cooked lunch and dinner. Finished early and spent a while frying different kinds of fish at different temperatures for different lengths of time. Hey, if you're going to be a cook, might as well learn to be a good one.
I feel different. I'm wearing an apron for the better part of the day now. I take bike rides to the veggie store and buy groceries for the home. Just today the old man gave me omake, and I stared at him wondering how in the world I'd become one of his regular customers.
My hair is a wreck now. It used to be nice and tidy by the end of the day. I also used to read in bed past midnight. Now I fall asleep.

I've been thinking...
Before Rick left he asked me where I wanted to go, what my ideal situation would be. I told him I honestly wanted to go to the PC because it seemed like a place where I'd be truly fulfilled. He laughed and reworded the question to "if the Lord's will didn't count." I told him I wouldn't be able to answer that question because my dream is to serve the Lord and be content and happy doing so...and so my life would be kind of meaningless without the "Lord's will" clause. He laughed at me and said I was strange. Told me I was 16, I needed to have fun. I sounded weird.
There are other places. I'd like to live with my friends...or in a home where they do a lot of fun things. There are places. But when I visit those places or think about living in those places, I get a funny feeling. Almost like fear. Like this, empty sort of feeling that I get when I ponder some question I can't answer, like falling into a black hole.
The way I see it, there are two different kinds of fun, and the one sort of fun is ultimately funner than the other, because it involves a lasting, fulfilled contentment. It's the sort of fun you find when you've been pursuing Jesus' highest will, and carrying Him so close to you that He's all you need...all you want. And then you're happy even if He's all you have. Which is what happens...inevitably.
Lasting happiness.
The other sort of fun is grasping at things. Burning the candle at both ends. Burning up. Burning. Trying to make fun. Trying to find fun. The universe always runs out of fun, after a while. And then what?
Walking so far with a candle...and the candle goes out...and you've left the light behind.

Mom asked me today what I would do if we decided not to move to the PC; if it fell through. I told her honestly that I wouldn't mind...wherever we went. As long as we were in the Lord's will. I honestly believe that for the first time in my life. I would go anywhere right now.

It's the wonderful cycle of obedience. It's scary, though. There was a long time where I was weighing in the balances what and why and how. And then I stepped into the dark...and you wander around a bit. And you wonder if it's real; if they're really out there--the blessings of obedience. And you take things in big swallows, big breaths. Everything is so big--every day is like a month--every change is a leap into a new world--everything that doesn't change is a drudgery that lasts forever.
And then somewhere, sometime, the Lord lifted me up. After many breakings, many failures, many tiring episodes of pride, of condemnation, of fear, of discouragement...
It's not as if the Lord gave me a better life. I think, the gift he gave me was what I found when I was struggling for those first few months after giving him a try. He helped me realize that I can make it, that the victory is there for anyone. I learned how to fight proactively--how to hang on to Him--how not to let myself slip.
And then the cycle of blessings just keeps on keeping on. As I obey, the more I want to obey. As I submit myself to the Lord, the more I want to submit myself. As I love, the more I want to love.
I haven't written something this long in a looong time. My wrist hurts.