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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Priceless Advice

Are you feeling down because no one has commented on your blog recently? Do you wish you had more dramas in your life? Do you feel that people don't take you seriously as an emotional, spirited person? Do you like imagining yourself as a passionate creature of impulse and intrigue?
This is the answer: A mysterious, provocative blog post!

Example 1: Post a blurry picture (from Google images, if desperate enough) of something that looks like it could be people or things...anything really, with a caption that reads "I don't need you anymore."
Example 2: Post a short poem with no rhyme or rhythm (very important; no one reads poems when the lines are all the same length), not necessarily a good poem, it just has to sound like you talking to yourself in the mirror. Insert "power phrases" like: "I won't let you do that to me anymore," "I love you too much for that," and "You know who you are." Don't worry if your poem doesn't cut the mustard, another fuzzy photo should do the trick.
Example 3: The very short blog post method. The shorter the better. The one word blog post says "I'm all out of words, yes, it's THAT bad". Any word will do. Go on, try the first one that comes to your head. Or you can steal one of these amazing ideas: "afflicted," "finished," "just," "massive." Don't beat yourself up over it if your ideal provocative statement rapidly becomes more than one word; many intend to wow the world with a one-word post but end up spilling entire paragraphs. Brevity is an art, friends, and as with all arts, takes time to perfect. There's always tomorrow. (And there's always another blurry photo waiting to be used.)

The magical things that make the mysterious, provocative blog-posts so effective:
  • You can drum up drama for your compulsive, lonely self.
  • You can make people wonder whether you've 1. fallen in love, 2. lost a loved-one, 3. grown a brain--and they will be quite nice to you whilst they are trying to figure out what on earth you're talking about.
  • You can make all manner of people comment on your blog. You can lure the rumors out of their hiding places, because people will inevitably post "I'm so sorry, I know how it feels," "don't worry, Bill wasn't right for you anyway," etc.
  • You can feel better about your blog because it will be INTERESTING. Heck, even you are intrigued when you look at the things you've written. In a few years, you'll read back on those posts that you drummed up from nothing and you will think that you actually had an intriguing, singular life.
You're welcome.


Anonymous Joanie said...

hahahah...I like it!!!

I bet you googled "how to blog so that people will comment"
(Im so right)

3/19/2008 11:46 AM  
Anonymous Sophie said...

I loved it

3/19/2008 4:19 PM  
Anonymous aika said...

dude thats hilarious. i know some people who should seriously take your advice to heart, so they dont kill visitors with their boring posts!

3/19/2008 6:08 PM  
Blogger Elena said...

haha you're so funny Florence! You don't have to worry though, cause you blog isn't boring! :p hehe!

3/20/2008 11:28 AM  
Blogger Elaina said...

GENIUS! Where have you been all my life??
At last I know how to turn my blog into a hotbed of spicy speculation and high drama!
I MUST do this!

3/20/2008 2:43 PM  
Blogger Florence said...

It's the only way, Elaina. It's the only way to stay on top in a wild bloggosphere.

3/21/2008 10:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

very subtly several names come to mind.

3/22/2008 9:17 PM  
Anonymous leigh said...

I always wanted to know why people said 'you know who you are', when it was just as likely they didn't. Now I know they don't exist. Thank you for clearing that up!

3/23/2008 2:27 AM  
Blogger Alyx said...

what the heck florence! hahahhaha

3/23/2008 2:08 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

hahaa...the genius strikes again! yer posts rock!

3/24/2008 11:07 AM  
Blogger Neo said...

Well.....that one won't ever work for me.Sigh

4/19/2008 7:43 PM  

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