Being resolute for Jesus

So we're going to have our home's candlelight service soon, and the inevitable Candlelight Service card was passed out for all to fill. I was sitting at the desk with mine this morning trying in vain to fill out anything beyond my name. I don't often have trouble with stuff like this; little questionnaires are usually a breeze for me. But in the interests of taking this one seriously (something I have begun attempting with increasing fervency every year), I spent some time staring at its sweet white interface and begun to ponder.

The problem is that, in past years, when I've filled out these cards, I wrote what I was in the mood for right then. "I'm having a guitar boom and it's been my superficial hobby for the past 3 days, so I'm going to go ahead and make 'learning to play the guitar as well as Herman Li' one of my goals for the new year" type things. Consequently, I end up with a list of resolutions that are just the first thing that comes to mind--a lot of unrealistic expectations. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I've recently begun making resolutions that are very nebulous and over-generalized, like "Read more Word" or "Get closer to Jesus," Just because I've accepted the fact that my life is not sensational or massively motivated and those are probably the things I'd better stick to anyways, the ones that only require holding on and letting the train take you where it needs to go.

So this year I didn't just want to chalk down the first things that sprung forth like Jack from a brain box, and I sat there and wrote...nothing.

So yes, the card is still empty (save my name, which is quite delightfully adorning its personal little space), but I need to go back to it eventually. The fright of which brings us to a strange personal realization.

Strange personal realization:

I realize that I am quite a weak, feeble mouse of humanity. Basically, I'm not impulsive, not very assertive, and I like my routine. I like an exciting routine, to be sure, but I like MY routine, not other people's routines that all of a sudden jump into mine. If I'm confronted with an opportunity, especially if it's something I've always wanted to do, I'll usually wish that it would sort of go away so that deciding to take the risk going for it or not wouldn't be rattling my brain. Often I'll abandon the process when it seems to be taking me too far in any direction, or if there are any people making a big deal about it. I am a noodle that is slurped about into any little vacuuming vortex, and will never really end up anywhere outside this pile of post-vacuum noodles. I hate asking people for things, I hate coming across as boorish or self-centered (although I often do, probably why I have such a complex about it), and I really don't like being pushed into situations outside of my comfort zone.

Positive upswing: Most of these things are things that I manage to have the Lord help me with. Obviously our lives for Jesus require us to sometimes stumble into an unexpected place where you are suddenly outside and being pushed further and further away from your comfort zone, so I have tackled these things and found them to be the biggest growing experiences of my life. I'm still an extreme wimp about them, though. Also, I'm learning to mind less and less the way I think I am coming across to people, and to just pray for the anointing to come across the way the Lord sees fit, which is bottle-breaking. However, I am, at the core of me, frightfully attached to normalcy.

So the exciting summation of this self-discovery is that I have decided that my main resolution for 2009 is to have a more adventurous and full-of-faith spirit regarding the challenges the Lord wants me to tackle; to be open to seeing them in the first place; and to take them all the way home. Lord help me!!

See ya, monkeys.