When I Thought I Was...

...Then I really wasn't!
(Go, go, Pethuel! You can squish those words in there!)

Reminiscing on the strange days of my strange life, wondering who it was I wanted to be, exactly--what it was I was trying to achieve, exactly--what it was I thought, exactly--
God knows.
I can't remember. And that's a good thing.

And here's something to see you deeper.

Black and white resolve
One foot in your heart and another
In fishnet stockings.

Purple cords wound around
Us, and pulled us together
And then I electrocuted us
Just once.

She astounded you,
I expressed your astonishment
And painted in acroamatic whispers
Everything dishonest
That you believed...
Some of it mine, and some of it
Hers.

My hand gripping
Your hand gripping
Mine.
Like grabbing onto
Each other's souls.
Telling each other, "Go,
And I'll rip your heart out."

Separated by clay
Permeating distance
Restrained by ourselves.

We were very much the same
Once upon a time
Until desire drove us apart
Method carried us
From front to back
And founded us in the epilogue.

We were too acute
To have been taken in by this.
We were too clever
To have not forseen this.

I had no reason to make you feel
Completely and totally
In need of me.
It wasn't uncertainty.
You never had enough (all) of me,
That's all.
(c) 2005 Florence McNair "The Games We Played" (unedited)

UPDATE: I got an e-mail from a "concerned" anonymous reader of my blog who told me this poem was "out of it" and that I was "thinking too much". To clarify, I would like to say that the above poem was written a year and a half ago, and does not necessarily reflect any real sentiments I had then--and certainly not now. I realize that there was a time in my life when I did think "too much" and was a little too...full of...things... but this post serves the purpose of humorously reminiscing on those days. I am over them now. Hopefully.
Thank you for being concerned. I only hope that I can return the favor someday, when you are as "messed up" as I am.