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Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Just don't go

You know about those people you love so much, that you sort of pedestalize (not a real word), who do the inevitable bad and human thing that, 5 seconds ago, you would have been so sure you disapproved of? And now they've got you really seriously reasoning in circles to tell yourself why you don't actually disapprove of it, why your initial disapproval was just self-righteous and hypocritical and you really have no right to continue to disapprove of it, and why it's not pathetic to say "I don't disapprove, because I love you!", and that "he is sorry" and "he couldn't help it" and "he was real messed up at the time," when you know full well he never even used those words to excuse himself, and you just wish he did.
It's hard to find a way to show disapproval without feeling like your anger is uncalled for. Like you're showing an "emo" side that you don't have. You tell yourself that you should remain stable and calm about it all because that's the kind of person you are.
It's hard to show disapproval because you feel like it's none of your business and you wish you could actually believe that and be okay with it. But what you end up doing is saying "it's none my business, I guess" and persuading absolutely no one. And you may as well have lost your right arm because you feel so handicapped at loving him now, because now you'll never be able to feel as much a part of him, or as entitled to his emotions as you used to, because he's "none of your business" anymore.
I guess the only way to go on loving someone is to honestly disapprove. Without removing your eyes from theirs, without removing your hand, without taking a few steps away. Everyone can handle a little disapproval, and everyone needs it now and then--the only thing that really hurts is being left alone. So disapprove, but move in closer.

1 comments:

Blogger Fyrefly said...

Haven't been to ur blog in AAGGEESSS Flo, but I just wanted to say I LIKE this post :D. And that happy bumbly picture of all PC members. I missed seeing u when I visited.

2/20/2009 11:29 PM  

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